I wrote a blog earlier in a week about husbands being c*nts (Don’t know why I censored it). My husband got a bit mad at me… Okay he got a lot mad, and I guess rightfully so.
Although for me it was tongue in cheek and my friend and I were just having a little fun, he was offended. I apologised and didn’t understand why he was upset. I explained it was just a joke. But I was missing the point. He felt unappreciated.
It’s been some time since that happened and we made amends, as we always do, but it’s kinda stuck with me a bit. He felt unappreciated because he felt that I didn’t see the ways he loves me, and he felt undervalued. Which was ironic because it’s what I wrote about. It made me think about the ways people show love.
We all show love in different ways. Some of us do it by showering each other with gifts; chocolates, flowers, jewellery. When we receive these gifts, it’s a token of love. Some of us show it in affection. Despite my stern childhood, I received a lot of affection and I now constantly kiss and cuddle my children and put my hand on people’s arms when I talk to them. I’m all for touch. It’s how I show love. Some of us show it in words. “I love you”… Being a quite obvious choice (?). Some of us show it in other ways like, going to work all day, doing the dishes, settling the baby, going to buy chocolate in the flavours I like. (??)
We show love naturally, it comes out of us. No matter which way we do it. We love.
However one of the hardest things to do, is ask for love.
When Luca (my son) was little, about 4-5 months, my husband went and watched his senior team play the ground final. I at the time was wallowing in post natal depression, but I didn’t know it really. I knew I needed help. I knew I needed love, and I needed his big great arms to hold me instead of going to that game, or to tell me it was okay. But I didn’t. Instead I got mad. I got a lot mad.
His team won, so he went and celebrated, without a word to me, he came home at 1am and I was seething. I was angry because I felt alone, I was scared, and I wanted to be loved. I resented that my husband could leave whenever he wanted and I had to stay home and feed the baby. It wasn’t his fault, it wasn’t mine. No one was to blame, but I was angry because I needed love.
Did I express any of that to him? No way.
I’m an action type of person. I huffed and glared at him. I said things to him I shouldn’t have said, and we fought the worst way we ever have. Luca, the kid who never slept, slept through the whole thing. Both of our hearts were broken because we didn’t know how to ask each other for love.
What happens when you have someone who does small tasks to show love and someone who needs to hear it? You both don’t ask for love, so you Both feel unappreciated. You both feel unloved because you don’t recognise the ways people show love.
As young girls, we fall down and we are greeted with love. We are hugged and told it’s okay. As young boys, we fall down and we are told “it’s okay, get up! You’re strong”. Although we have come a long way from this, and now we know better, some of this is still imbedded in us. Men can’t show their emotions, and women can. Men will generally fix things, or buy things, or go to work and provide (yes, women do this too) and that is how they will show us love. Women will validate, and console and talk, because that’s what we were taught, and that’s how we show love. So when we are all different, how can we ask for love?
Google “how to ask for love”, and you’ll find a lot of searches about “how to get a girl to like you”. Funny huh. The people searching for it most are our men, they are asking for love in their ways by doing the little things, working (yes women do this too, and bloody well I might add), going to buy chocolate, telling us we look good, or fixing things..
My toddler and I are playing a game while I write this by looking at each other at the same time, this is us showing love.
Look, at the end of the day, and from a feminist view, everyone shows love in different ways, so how do you ask for it?
First look at how a person gives you love, and you might find it in an abundance.
Tell them you enjoy those things.
Tell them the way you give love and that’s how you know to receive it.
I am no expert but, fuck it, just tell them you need them when you do.