4am rant 

I love my children. I would give my heart to them to make sure theirs beat forever. There is no doubt about it. 

But sometimes I want the permission to just sigh heavily and say, fuck this.

Let’s look at like this, it’s 4:00am and I’m writing this. Having been up for two hours trying to figure out why a tiny beautiful human won’t let me sleep, and give in to what her body needs and sleep too. 

It frustrates me sometimes that you can’t complain about your children, because there’s always someone that is worse off. You should be grateful for receiving anything life throws at your with children because you were given the gift of life, and unfortunately not everyone is lucky enough to have that. I appreciate that. My heart breaks for people who cannot experience the joy of motherhood, it genuinely genuinely does, and there is a lot of joy, but there is also a lot of sighing and saying, fuck this. 

I’m in a great place now. But sometimes I am reminded of the stormy times that i had with my first child. Never sleeping, trying my hardest to help this child’s tiny brain grow by aiding them to sleep. It takes a lot out of you. Worrying, feeding, appointments, packing bags, never going anywhere for yourself because you are 100% relied on. It’s beautiful but it’s also hard hard work, with no break. They say feeling like this is post natal depression, but I don’t know about that, I think most mothers feel like this, it’s just we aren’t allowed to say it out loud. 

There’s a lot of things you are confronted with when you have a child and that’s tough. You realise what a control freak you are. You realise that although you loved spontaneity being Childless, a routine and some predictability, knowing what you’ll get everyday, would be nice. If your kid could just say, “hey Mumma, tonight I am going to wake every hour, it’s just this thing I am going through, no biggie”… You’d be like “sure buddy, thanks for the heads up”. Instead you’re meant to guess every step and when you can’t control that, it’s hard. Yes I know kids can’t talk, it’s 4am, I’m tired, not drunk (unfortunately). I did say this was a rant… Not even sure of my point.

I heard someone relaying a conversation today about telling their hairdresser, “before you have kids, make sure you live”. I get that. I really really get that. I say it often too to people, ‘enjoy your life.’ Kids are enjoyable, beyond enjoyable, but going to the hairdresser, getting a quick coffee, getting your nails done, having time out for yourself, not being awake at 4am, they’re rarities. 

We make sure when we ever complain about our life with kids we say, “I love you, but…” Yes, we do love them. We love them so much we would jump into a pit of lions to save them, we would risk our lives, we would give our beating hearts from our chests to make sure they live. We melt when they smile and laugh, or tell us the funniest things. We are grateful everyday and couldn’t imagine life without them. 

But at 4am, and from time to time, we are allowed to say, fuck this. 

So if you’re awake at 4am, just know there’s someone else awake too (besides your child), who gets it, and we’re in this together. 

Now go the f to sleep Sofia ya damn cutie lol – she was laughing at me before, God I love her. (This was a photo from earlier, I would not dare to expose any light to this child) 

  1. You have no idea how much comfort this has brought me. I talk to other moms but no one has shared my nighttime traumas the way you seem to have done with your first, Luca. I swear I barely slept the first two years of my daughters life and I’d get really pissed about having to wake up so much. Sometimes it was while I was off on leave or for the summer, I teach, but i also did it when i had to work the next day and no one else i knew had to work so hard to get their kid to sleep or manage during the nighttime. Things are much better now but I sure wish I had had this post earlier in my mommihood. Thanks for putting it out there now.

    • Awww that makes me sad to read and happy at the same time. I would want to stab people in the eye when they told me about their perfect sleeping babies. I just did not have that. It’s like 1 in 10 I think lol I can’t imagine how tough that would have been did you. It does always get better but it’s a tough road.
      You and me sister! We are in this together for sure!

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