1. Set an alarm for every two hours. The alarm has to be loud enough for your neighbour to hear and it has to be high pitch and repetitive.
2. Let the alarm go off for one hour and run around your house hysterical. If at night, make sure to fall asleep 10 minutes before the alarm goes off again.
3. Wake up at 4am.
4. Dress yourself, then pour milk on yourself
5. Soak your bed in milk
6. Spray milk on your chest in two patches
7. Don’t shower
8. Shower once after 8 days and turn off and on the water. Get out once you have put shampoo in your hair
9. Stop brushing your teeth
10. Go to bed at 8, but stay awake until 1am, if anyone asks tell them you’re trying to have some me time.
11. Eat food one handed
12. Make sure it’s cold
13. Make 20 cups of coffee. Don’t drink any of them.
14. Go for a walk with a pram, pretend your invisible and encourage people to only talk about and to your pram.
15. When someone asks you “how’s things?” Just talk about poo and sleep.
16. Cry. A lot.
17. Get wireless internet so you can google everything, practice googling “reflux, colic, why isn’t my baby sleeping, why does my baby hate me, how do I put my baby back in my uterus?”
18. Eat cake, nothing but cake
19. Ask people for advice on everything, tell them to get really extensive with it and condescending.
20. Wake up in the middle of the night confused and scream “where’s the baby?”
21. Watch your partner sleep and imagine shoving a stick into his snoring mouth. Hate him. Tell him he’s an asshole who doesn’t get it and ignore him. The more you ignore or yell the better it’ll be for him when the baby comes – if he looks confused… you are ready.
Good luck! And enjoy future mummas. May the force be with you.