Sleep deprivation is a torture method. People joke about this but when you have tiny little terrorists keeping you up all night, you know they’ve won in their torture methods and eventually you’ll crack. That is no joking matter.
“Okay, okay!! The cookies are on the top shelf! Please I’ll surrender!!!”
A lot of people have given me friendly advice and or nonchalant statements about me exaggerating about the lack of sleep but let me tell you, unless you’ve lived it, you just don’t know. My friend recently babysat my son, and pretty much described him as the energiser bunny. Yes… Live it!
Here are some statements or questions (if you could call them that,) that make my eye twitch:
- They’re only little once
You know what? F you. I know they’re only little once. I already feel guilty for not being superwoman and cherishing every second of their prescious little lives, but when 10 litres of coffee won’t wake you up because you haven’t slept for 6 months straight, the thought of them being a teenager who sleeps in till 12pm in their stinky rooms sounds ever so pleasing.
2. Babies aren’t meant to sleep, it’s healthy for them to wake up a few times over night.
Yes but it’s not healthy for ME to wake up over night and after 9 months of doing it, surely it isn’t healthy for anyone. Just because you’re blissful and some freak of nature who can wake over night and still function, doesn’t mean I can. I’ll cheers to your enthusiasm by drinking some phenergan!
3. Sleep when the baby sleeps to catch up.
Hahahhahahahahhaahahhahahahaahahahahahahwhahhaahhahahahahahahahahamy sons a toddler now and that is still funny.
4. Go to bed when they do?
Lovely! Why didn’t I think of that? 12am is my favourite bed time.
5. Don’t stay on your phone, go to sleep when they go to sleep
Listen, when your only down time is that 30 minutes before they wake again, you best believe I’m going to use this as “me” time. It’s also sad that the only “me” time is going on Facebook to laugh along with (or sympathetically at) other mothers’ sleep misfortunes. I get it girrrrllllll. (My husband has said this to me, you better pray I don’t throw my phone at your head!)
6. The baby needs to learn to sleep with noise/your house is too quiet.
Imagine you’ve finally won a war. You’ve defeated the terrorists, you’ve won!! After months of sleep deprivation torture, you’ve won! The only way you can successfully escape the warzone though is by ensuring you don’t step on on a landmine. I don’t know where I’m going with this, but DO YOU WANT ME TO STEP ON THAT LANDMINE??
7. Must be hungry, have you tried a bottle?
Thank you. I’ve never doubted my milk supply, ever (sarcasm). No. Life’s answer is not always “are they hungry?”. I’ve fed them. I’ve fed them over and over. And when I was formula feeding, and my son was drinking 200mls, I mean, should I hit you over the head with that bottle?
8. Put some rice cereal in his bottle…
Or wine? Or chloroform? No? Okay.
9. It’s called karma, you never used to sleep at night! You slept all day and were awake all night!
You know what’s karma? Nursing homes with low star ratings. Remember that.
10. You just need to let him cry.
You know what I hate more than sleep deprivation? The sound of a baby crying. And combine those two, it’s like daggers to my head. No. You know what happens when my baby cries? It gets louder and louder and louder and louder. Then I start crying too, and that’s not good for anybody.
11. This is your fault because you boobed to sleep/rocked him/co sleep
Remember that talk about land mines?
12. You stay home too much. Babies need to learn to sleep in the pram and car.
I know. I mean, it’s so easy to get out of the house. I have time to shower, get ready, load the car. All while they nap…. And I like how you assume they sleep when they’re out like I haven’t even tried it.
I apologise for the hostility, I really do. A long with the sleep deprivation, I have lost my manners. Please know my intentions is just to shed light to an already hilarious time of my life. By hilarious I mean sad, but if you can’t cry you can only laugh, or laugh and cry. Whatever. Shhhh I’m half asleep.
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Written for Sarah and my doula x