For some, Valentine’s Day is just a day. A day where millions are made from corporate companies. It doesn’t mean anything because you celebrate love everyday. For others, like me… it’s THE day to celebrate love. A day to celebrate smooches and cuddles… feed each other chocolate and go to the movies holding hands. The day we shout it from the roof tops and not look like crazy people.
Or at least it was.
No one told us babies come with exhaustion. So exhausted we barely look at each other. Nobody said sex hurts and is the furthest thing from your mind.
No one said I couldn’t need my partner anymore, and he couldn’t need me, and we couldn’t be vulnerable in each others arms because its interrupted by other needs that involve crying or a little dude asking for chocolate.
Instead of celebrating, we are in pyjamas, ignoring each other watching TV… acting like we are fine with it, but actually hurting.
Anyone who tells you their relationship doesn’t change is lying. You went from you and your man, to you, your man and a child. EVERYTHING changes. Everything. People will tell you it’ll go back, you’ll get it back, and I don’t doubt it… but I want it now.
I am one of those people where I have conversations with myself, and I say okay, What do you want Laura? What will fix this?
It’s simple. I want the best that we can do now.
I want text messages that are more than just, “buy bread cunt”… and maybe a little more than “I love you cunt, you’re beautiful”… when I ask, “do you love me? Am I pretty?” yeah me and my husband call each other cunt.. (we are cute like that) I want them to say what I mean to him. That after 4 years of marriage and 2 little kids, I want to know what I mean… and don’t hold back.
I want him to pick flowers that he sees, and cuddle me on the couch, and even when I’m grumpy, I want him to just do it anyway, because sometimes I need it the most on those days
And I’ll do my bit… I’ll give blowies on demand.
Okay… Okay this is going somewhere cray. (Sorry family)
What I want… what I want is to be made to feel that I’m more than just a mum… or his mum… that I’m his wife, that I’m that girl he couldn’t wait to kiss when he walks through the door, and I mean really kiss. I want him to make me his girlfriend again. I want to feel like he did when he saw me walking down the aisle. His face… I want to feel what that face felt like.
I know there is different languages of love… and I appreciate the way he speaks them, but sometimes I want the tacky hallmark language. I want the 50 shades of grey language. I want to feel the first date language. I want the language of I’ll help with the cleaning, even though I worked my ass off all day.
I know we are tired as parents, and we wouldn’t change it for the world. We love our munchkins. But I want a little more than just feeling like we aren’t even friends, that we are like two flight attendants passing each other, shouting demands at each other for our passengers. “This guy needs milk, get him milk! Pronto!”
And I’ll give it right back, I will. I’ll speak bloke languages, I’ll say the 6 dirty words you want to hear; “go out with your mates tonight”…
I want a promise, that we will do our best, even if we are exhausted, even if we can’t stand each other, even if love is the furthest from our mind and the passengers are acting up. I want a promise that we will shout it from the rooftops, and by rooftops I mean couch…
And babe I know I could have said this all in person. I know I could have told you, but I don’t know how anymore. I don’t know how to speak without sounding like I’m whinging… you are perfect… you work hard for us, and you’re an amazing father, and I love you… I love you so much… but I miss you, I miss us. ?
I know you miss me, and I know you love me too…so let’s fall in love again… let’s hold hands and watch movies, even if it is just Finding Nemo. Let’s remember the reasons why we made beautiful babies…And babe… I want you to know, most importantly, that on this day and the next, you’re welcome… always always welcome…to feed me chocolate ????
P.s I guess it doesn’t really suck balls