To my beautiful son,
Yesterday I watched you play around with your daddy’s shoes. One day your feet will fit into them. That thought alone terrifies me and fills me with joy.
It fills me with joy because I know you and I have a lifetime of adventure together. You’re only learning to talk now and I can’t wait to hear all the things you have to say. I can’t wait to take you to all the places we can go and see your face light up with wonder. I am excited and not looking forward to knowing what your favourite foods are and listen to you bargain with me for dessert instead of broccoli. I am excited for you to have school friends and invite them over for parties (and I can be the cooooool mum… Err).
When you were born, you didn’t come with any instructions (unfortunately). Some days I don’t know if I’m adult enough to look after another life. What if I fuck it up? I am also terrified for you to grow up. I don’t know what it’s like to have a close adult relationship with my parents so I’m afraid I won’t know how to do with you. What if you don’t like me? They say if you don’t mutter “I hate you” at least once in your life to me, I haven’t done my job. But I don’t care about that crap, I want you to always like me.
I have anxiety, what if you have it too? I want to protect you from every emotion you don’t want to feel. I want to protect you from having your heart broken, from rejection and from anything else in this scary world.
I don’t want you to grow up ever feeling unfulfilled. I don’t want you to grow up feeling depressed or anxious. I try my best to validate your every emotion so you’ll grow up balanced but I’m not perfect. The mistakes I make are from lack of understanding but never from lack of love.
I try my hardest to be the best mum to you, and I will always try to be the best mum to you. Some days I don’t always play with you and switch off because the day is hard. I’m sorry. I’m sorry some days my phone gets more attention than you. My heart is always with you and I hope you know I’m always wanting the best for you, but some days the effort is hard. But know that even though I’m not always on board, I’m working hard to feed you, and keep you clean. Sometimes I can’t be fun and do that. Although I try.
I want you to grow up being a man. I want you to respect women and advocate for them. I want you to be a gentleman. I want you to grow up and love whoever you want, and respect who anyone else loves. I want you to grow up never accepting anything less than an extraordinary love and always be respected as well.
You’re so amazing in every way. Your laugh is the best sound I’ve ever heard. I love your personality, you’re a tiny little character. I don’t ever want anyone to break your spirit and I always want you to feel loved.
I know it’s tough some days for you, because you have a sad mummy some days, but I want you to know you make me the happiest and my life wouldn’t feel as fulfilled as it does now that you and your sister are in my life.
I know one day you’ll fill those shoes and be whoever you want to be, but know whatever you become, so long as you grow up happy, I will be the happiest mum on earth and the proudest.
Your mummy x