There has been two times in my relationship when I thought it was over. Two times where the worst fights have ever been fought. Where we said things out of a deep place of anger. Things that can never take back. Where doors were slammed, friends were called crying, golf balls were in our throats. The one person you thought that was always there for you, turned into your biggest enemy.
You stare at the wall and wonder, how many women have stared at this wall. How many have wondered what it’s like to be a single mum. Booked a hotel room for the night. Cried her eyes out. Wondered if she’s lost it all.
Love is hard. Love is so hard. There’s all these beautiful quotes about how it’s easy, kind and patient… but it’s not. Not always.
Sometimes love is rough. Love can be misunderstandings, sometimes love can be a “fuck you, you’re an asshole” sometimes love can turn into hate. Sometimes love can’t be repaired, and for some, that is the end.
Sometimes a fight can be so bad that it leaves a stain.
We all have these little stains. A tiny little mark of a bad place where you went into the relationship. Where you are reminded of a place you never want to go again. A fight so bad that it may be forgiven but not forgotten.
Sometimes it sits in your mind and it’s hard to let go. Letting go means you’ve made that bad time okay, and you don’t want to do that. You don’t ever wanna make those times okay.
But that’s what love is, isn’t it? For better or for worse? For fresh and for stains?
Little stains that say ‘we have been through some tough shit’ – and we are still here.
Maybe we didn’t know how to listen to each other? Maybe we were too caught up in protecting ourselves and we forgot how to talk, so the words had to tumble out, and tumble out with full force.
Maybe we just covered the tiny itty bitty stains with bleach and hoped they go away – I dunno.
Maybe we decide to change, and be fair to each other. To accept the imperfect people that we are. Maybe we have to fall into a deep bad place to know how good it is when we are the highest.
Maybe we have to fall out of love for a moment to go back in it. To have someone we don’t rely on, that doesn’t complete us, but accepts us completely. To accept a relationship changes, with time, with kids, with money stresses and fucking facebook.
Love is gonna come with flaws. Flaws from the past, and cracks from building a relationship.
Great relationships aren’t great because they don’t have little stains and are without flaws. They become great because we find it in our hearts; beyond the anger, beyond the hurt, beyond the want to just give up and say ‘okay I’m done’… we find it in our hearts to say, I care enough to make it work so when the fight ends, the love is still what is left.