I can never be a model, I’m too big. I can never be a plus sized model I’m too short. I am told quite often that I should tone up for my husbands sake… cause I’m not “sexy”
I’m not toned, I’m not tall, I’m not smooth, my hair is no longer long and flowing, I’m not young anymore, and therefore, I’m not sexy. I’ve got wrinkles, I’ve got pimples and my thighs have dimples (I’ve taken up rapping now don’t Cha know)
Sex sells, but at what cost? And after I became a mother I stopped thinking I was worth anything anymore. Nobody wanted to buy what I was selling.
I became a mother and shortly after I did I spent months on antidepressants and every month I gained weight, I knew that weight gain was a side effect for me on the antidepressants because once the anxiety was gone, I could eat again, and boy did I…but my mental health was more important. I was hurting, I felt broken, sexy was the least of my worries. Sure I ate healthy, but mostly I didn’t. I’ll own it. It’s just KFC tastes way better than kale, let’s face it.
Motherhood wore me out, life wore me out. Life gave me anxiety, like having butterflies all the time with razor blades for wings.
But I survived it. I won. I fucking won.
the dust settled and to me, being bigger meant that I wasn’t sexy anymore, and that I didn’t count anymore. I didn’t want anyone to look at me sexually, but I didn’t want anyone to look at me in disgust either…. which is what people do.
But things have changed now…
and what I’ve learned is that sexy doesn’t mean all those things anymore. Sexy isn’t all about what you look like.
Because women are strong now. We don’t feel the need to cover up our bodies because someone asked us to, and in the same breath we don’t feel the need to show our body because someone asked us to.
Women are strong, and that is sexy.
Women are smart, and that is sexy.
Women are brave, fierce, tough and independent, and that is sexy.
Women create life, and that is beautiful. Creating life creates self confidence because if I can grow a child, and go through the hardest obstacles in the first hardest weeks, I can do anything.
I am not my godamn weight! And that is exactly what I’ll teach my little squish.
One day I might have a photo to show you where I have a 6 pack, and one day I might not. For now all I have is who I am, and that’s sexy. I refuse to wait for life to happen to wait to love myself. I might never be bikini body ready, but I’m going to wear one if I want to.. I’m going to wear whatever the hell I want to wear. I won’t wait for anyone else to define me as sexy. I will redefine it, because what is sexy for me is what I say it is. I survived the darkest times in my life, and that is more important.
So you can keep your sexy, yep I don’t want it… and I am no longer going to think of myself as less of a human because of my weight because it took me a long time to love me on the inside and this is what it looks like on the outside now.
(And FYI, I do go to a gym… and let’s just say for someone who’s heritage is half South American, Zumba does not come naturally to me)