I’ve watched a few Christmas movies in my time that involve a letter to the family. It’s a humble Brag Christmas letter that gloats about the year that was. So what better way than to end my year with a letter of the year that was.. aaahhhhhhem.
Dear friends and family,
The year started off with swollen feet and a balloon belly with a hiccuping fetus inside it. Pregnant with little Sofia that was due… I can’t remember when she was due, but I did pray that she wouldn’t be born on Australia Day, because people kept telling me “maybe you’ll have an Australia Day baby” and me being spiteful, wanted to make sure they were wrong. Well lo behold, after asking if my baby was going to be born huge or if I was expecting twins, those fuckas were right – not about the twins. she was born 12:12am, Australia Day morning. Fuck.
To commemorate her birth. We were given a spoon. 👍🏻 something she can be proud of till the day she’s old. Highlight of her birth really…
I discovered that whilst I thought most of my stomach was baby, it was in fact mostly hamburger.
I quickly learned what it was like to have two kids. Having kicked myself for ever complaining about one. I dared to venture out of the house. Often forgetting vital things like nappies, wipes, dummies…. a child.
I learned that the outside world was evil, and that it was best to confine myself. I learned drive-thru McDonald’s was a godsend, even if the coffee tasted like shit. It’s like drinking burnt ass hairs I’m sure.
I spent most of the year having imaginary conversations in the shower. Mostly arguments. Sometimes I’d even talk out loud and catch myself doing it in the mirror.
They weren’t all bad, My favourite ones was when I would pretend I was being interviewed by Ellen, for being famous for what? I’m not sure. Maybe being able to squeeze a pimple with one hand. I dunno.
I also imagined writing letters to people I don’t really like and telling them what I think of them…
“Dear bla bla,
you really annoy me when you come over and your kid plays with all the toys and you leave me with mess.
… you know stuff like that. But I’m pretty lazy.
I did give a few bad reviews on facebook, and did complain to McDonald’s for their shit coffee. They sent me out vouchers, by the way, which I used to buy more shit coffee.
I spent some nights in the shower, wanting to cry but feeling too tired to. So I just read shampoo bottles instead. I discovered that you won’t really discover the difference in one wash… because they have tiny little disclaimers that say otherwise. Riveting?! I know.
I started blogging in April. That was fun. Always something I wanted to do. I wrote a blog post about how I much I hate it, and how it’s eating my soul, although instead of posting it, i posted one about how I used to be skinny and now I’m jiggly. Really resonated with people I guess because it stretched far. Every time someone tagged me in it, I got excited and disappointed because I read the comments, and I’m one of those people who just has to reply. Ashton Kutcher even shared it, although he probably never read it, just got paid to do so. I’ve acknowledged I’m a one hit wonder and that may or may not happen again. Probably not again.
The plus side was I met a lot of cool people… made some awesome friends. People in Brazil, Israel, America. Most in Australia… one turned out to be slightly aggressive stalkerish… who happened to know a whole lot about me… that didn’t last long thankfully… I’m still a little frightened when I go out in case she’s waiting in the bushes to feed me to the fishes. 🐠🔪
Blogging has even rekindled friendships. I made up with a few friends that have really completed my life again.
I went on TV and met Sonia Kruger and some other dude who is apparently jimmy farnhams son* (*not sure if that’s right). I also went on ABC TV to talk about postnatal depression. I realised TV does add a thousand pounds and highlights milk engorged boobs. I came to discover that one side of my face is dramatically higher, and it’s especially noticeable in my eyebrow… since that day I’ve googled Botox/forehead lifts/ eyebrow lifts…
one day… one day.
Speaking of engorged boobs, I posted a few breastfeeding selfies. You know, help normalise things… this encouraged a lot of guys to send me dick pics. I can see how they were confused… all the blood was in one head rather than the correct thinking one. I’m not sure what female has ever replied with “oh my… I didn’t like you or know you before but now that I’ve seen your purple gerkin… I am just.. oh my. I’m just gonna leave my husband for you”.
Don’t worry, I blocked those cocks. Who thinks to take pictures of their genitals anyway?
I spent most of my days on facebook and instagram and the refrigerator, all three bringing me no satisfaction.
I went to bed most nights, having wished for bed time all day, only to regret not loving my children more. Regretted not drinking enough water. Regretted eating nothing but junk food. Swearing to myself I’ll do better the next day, only to repeat it. It’s all about consistency right?
I spent most nights pretending I couldn’t hear my children crying out for me. And staring at my husbands head, burning holes into it with my eyes, trying to telepathically tell him to get up.
I watched a whole bunch of movies. Mostly more than once. I read a review about the movie Minions, how it was really crap… I disagree. After watching it 46 times you really get to notice ALL the jokes. It’s actually pretty funny.
I watched some dramas too…
I watched a movie about a young boy who walks with his dad to follow a young critter who has been stealing all his crop. The dad tragically falls into a river and dies… major plot twist when the critter and the boy become best friends and bond over their orphaned lives. They fight evil together, They drink together…They make adventures together and become real close, only for him to just fuck off on him with his own kind. Makes me cry like a little bitch every time. You might have seen it, its called the Good Dinosaur.
Things were kept interesting health wise…
Luca lost two teeth trying to surf on a cart. Fell right on his face. It was horrible. Guess he does want his two front teeth for Christmas.
Dom decided to join me
Then Sofia too??
I also went from having long hair all my life to a Bob. Hairdressers are Sadists. I’m sure of it.
I learned to love my body a little more
I learned if you wash as much clothes as possible and don’t hang them… then no one else will.
I learned that sleep is for when you’re dead
And I learned that every time someone unlikes my page I take it personally and swear at myself in the mirror*
*not entirely true.
I learned that I don’t have to be dependent on medication, and with or without it, I’m still pretty crazy.
I really love you guys. Really… and I appreciate you making my year feel like it wasn’t all that shit.
Now please don’t fucking unlike my page because I don’t want to go back to the punish mirror.
Laura 🙂 x