Goodday fellow Mothers, and thank you for tuning in. Today’s lesson in etiquette is on Play Centre’s. After attending one today, I have realised how imperative it is that as a blogger, I share this much needed knowledge. It is important that you follow these rules strictly, and abide by my guidelines for your experience (and others around you) to truly be a memorable one. Happy Reading.
Rule One: Pay with grace and honesty
When entering with children, you must lie about their ages. For example, if you have a child that could pass as under the age of 1, kindly tell the cashier that she is 11.5 months so that she can enter for free. Sure you might go to hell, but you saved yourself 7 dollars that you can take to hell with you and buy yourself a banana bread. Babies don’t have ID bitches!
Rule Two: Place safety wristband on child and explain the importance of safety procedures to the child.
“if you don’t keep that on you little shit, the boogy man will take you and mummy won’t find you.”
Rule Three: Allow your children to play whilst enjoying a polite beverage with friends
Argue over who buys the coffee until one of you asks the other to watch your child and sneaks off to buy it. Two Coffees, four fruit cups, two jellies, four chicken nuggets and chips, and some cheese sandwiches later, pray your friend doesn’t hate you when you return because their child went awol. Never mind he’s standing next to you crying for ice cream. Return and argue about taking money for purchasing the 40 man feast.
Rule Five: Engage in lighthearted conversation with friends while child plays quietly with peers
“So then I went an-” “mummy mummy mummy MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY” “and I said to her that I” “MUMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYY MUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYY” “Sorry can you hold on one second? YES!?!?! what do you want? mummy is talking”
Rule Six: feed your children nutritious items from the menu
“oh wow, look at you, getting chicken nuggets today, must be a special treat” cautiously look around knowing damn well they had chicken nuggets the past three nights and your desperate not to cook and for them to JUST EAT THEIR LUNCH FOR ONCE.
Rule Seven: Sip coffee with poise and grace
“is it just me or does this coffee taste like burnt ass hairs, but fuck its the probably the only hot one I am going to get today so bottoms up right?”
Rule Eight: Encourage child to play with other children in a friendly manner
mum 1: “did my kid just hit yours?”
mum 2: “no, no mines a bully”
mum 1: “no, no, mine is the bully!”
me to other mum: “if that bully kid hits my son I’m going to drop that motherfucker, I don’t care if he is 8”
“LUCA! SHARE! ITS NOT YOUR SLIDE! DON’T PUSH”… ahehehe……awks.
Rule Nine: Engage in polite conversations with mothers you have become acquainted with
“yeah this asshole kept me up all night so I am hoping to wear him out so he will sleep tonight, how about you? what was your name again?”
Rule Ten: Be respectful and helpful to other children in the play center.
“Should I open the gate for that kid? it’s crying and staring at me… it’s looking at me, should I open it? what if I get told off? Wheres its mother? I am just gonna leave it there… sorry kid… sorry… you’ll be right. Don’t look at me like that.”
Rule Eleven: Maintain cleanliness and dignity:
“uhhh, excuse me, your kid shat in the ballpit”
“ohhh jesus NOT AGAIN!”
Rule twelve: Leave the premises calmly, quietly, and with finesse
“YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS TO GET YOUR SHOES ON OR I AM LEAVING YOU HERE WITH MR. CROCODILE AND WE ARE NEVER EVER EVER COMING BACK AGAIN. THATS IT! THATS IT! NO ICECREAM FOR YOU!”
I hope you enjoyed these rules, there are so many more that I missed out on I am sure (I actually skipped rule four all together, don’t go back and check, it’s embarrassing for me), so part two may be needed, but remember, always be smiling…ESPECIALLY when you are walking in the door and both kids are asleep and you’ve got 45 minutes to yourself, to I dunno, to have another coffee. Even though you had ten and you’re feeling jacked up and anxious… I think its time to mop the house.
(P.s. most of this was written in jest… I can’t tell you which parts… please don’t call the authorities)
(p.p.s as if I was gonna tell you how to parent, I can’t even control my own!)