Every night before bed I say a little prayer (for youuuu) for my kids. I pray to God that he will keep them safe. Sometimes I pray I’ll find a bag of money too and that both kids will sleep all night, I know that those requests are far fetched but so long as he keeps them safe, we’re on good terms.
One night after saying my little prayer (for youuuuuuuu… Forever and ever.. You’ll stay in my heart.. Ok I’ll stop.) I started to think about why I do it, and where It came from, I’m not sure if I’m overly religious, but I like to think something is out there watching over us. My mum would always say to me, I prayed you’d have good weather or I prayed you would get the job or I pray to God to watch over you. She would say to me before bed, “Sweet dreams, Angel dreams”. I’ll never forget it, and I can still hear her voice.
The best memories I have of my mum is when she would take my sister and I to a shopping centre, eat Chinese food and then get pancakes for dessert, she would sneakily take sickies and we would get a day off school to do it. (“Highly irresponsible parenting” – the sanctimummy’s cry! ?). I remember calling out in the middle of the night asking her for water. Poor woman, she would be snoozing happily and a little voice would cry out “muuuuuummmm”. (It’s okay, karma has served me well)
I grew up and I guess I needed my mum in different ways, but at 16 I probably didn’t need her to get me a drink of water at night or lay in bed with me to fall asleep. I needed her for different things. Although, I still enjoyed eating Chinese food and having pancakes. When I turned 17, my parents divorced and my mum left. She moved to America. Up and went. Bye bye. I guess I couldn’t need her anymore.
If you know me and you know my mum, you know she lived a tough life, so she needed this. She always said she had a dream to live there, and who am I to stop someone living their dreams? Pretty deep thinking for a 17 year old. I told her it was okay and that life would be the same, we would visit each other and maybe one day I would move over there too. I knew in my heart I’d never move, I get home sick after being on a 2 week holiday. It’s kinda like a long distance relationship, ‘we’ll still be friends, right? – keep in touch!’ However as the years rolled by, like a bad long distance relationship, we drifted apart, and weeks turned into years, and before I knew it, I was 30 and forgotten what it was like to have a mum.
I asked a mum at my playgroup if she had any special plans for Mother’s Day and she gave me an awkward mumbling response about calling her mum. She had the same reaction I do whenever someone mentions my mum, I understood that it was probably a tough day for her too, for whatever reason. For some, that question can be so awkward…
Sometimes Mother’s Day isn’t the most amazing day for some of us. It can be one of the hardest. Some of us don’t have a mum, have lost a mum, don’t talk to their mum or can’t become a mum. It’s just another day for some, and really, we shouldn’t need a day to honour what special women we are.
Sometimes the best mum or women in your life are your friends, your sisters, and yourself, and not the person who gave birth to you.
My three sisters are the greatest mums I know. They are strong women, all different from each other and are a puzzle piece to my heart. I am so thankful to know you all, so here is a cheers to you. Despite the odds, you are great mummas and women. You deserve a day dedicated to you and everyday should be dedicated to you.
And for my Mumma, You were and are a great mum but then you left. But when I look back I have memories of a different person. The mum I knew shared my excitement in discovering things and thought a photo of me pooping on the toilet was the cutest thing in the world. (She even sent it into a radio station).
I don’t know why you forgot to love me like that, enough for you to want to stay, but I miss it. Maybe I didn’t show you I appreciated it, but at 17 I didnt really know as much as I led on. I hope one day you realise all that you have, how many birthdays you’ll miss and other special moments that you should apart of, but until then I will include you in my prayers. I’ll pray to God that he watches over you too, and that one day you’ll come back and realise that Chinese and pancakes is more than enough to fill your heart with love.
I also promise to get you a drink of water whenever you need it.
Here’s to us, on Mother’s Day, even if it’s just another shitty day…. Xx