So unless you’ve been living like a hermit crab, you may have heard of MEternity. I DO live like a hermit crab (a stinky yoga pant, ugg boot, vomit stained one), and I have heard of this wonderful invention by some author with too many n’s in her name, Meghann? Megan? Anyway, this lovely lady has written an article, (or book? I’m not sure…) about maternity leave being a way to discover yourself and a time for mothers to have self reflection. Basically she has likened maternity leave to a holiday, and as she has decided to not have children, she believes that she should have her own type of maternity leave, and has called it MEternity leave.
You know what lady? (And other ladies who agree with her) You can have your MEternity leave… But there are some conditions for this to really feel like authentic maternity leave that I believe you must fulfil.
- Number 1. You must gain 11-20kgs over a 9 month period prior to taking your leave
- For the first 3 months of this time, you must have an aversion to food, coffee, and anything else you really enjoy, and you must spend time throwing up anytime someone mentiones cheese.
- During this 9 months, you must also suffer from back pain, swollen feet, cankles, and stabbing pains in your hoo-haa.
- Upon the commencement of your MEternity leave, you must eject a watermelon from said hoo-haa. Or eject watermelon from your stomach with MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY.
- After ejection, you must put a sharpener to your nipple and turn, for one hour every 3 hours, and overnight every hour. If you decide you don’t want to have this sharpener experience, you must still awake every hour overnight and write “I feel guilty” over and over on a piece of paper. (This can last anywhere from 3 months to a year)
- You must take 2 hours to leave the house and take two bags full of toys, nappies, books, blankets – this really gets to the heart of self reflection, you’ll discover how strong you are.
- You must never shower. (Don’t even think about it, nothing self reflective about showering.)
- You must cover yourself in some type of bodily fluid, you can decide how you get it, but that should be done at least 2-4 times a week.
- Stay up all night and when you feel like having a day time nap, play a loud siren.
- Finally, eat all your food cold, and drink half cups of coffee or tea, also cold. Self reflection is no time for a hot drink, just ask all us mummas on maternity leave, we’ll tell ya 😉
Enjoy your self reflection on MEternity leave, it’s truly wonderful. X