Not all of us are natural mothers.
There are some of us who find it exhausting, overwhelming, boring, hard, hating it…wonder if we have made a mistake…
We won’t say it out loud because we don’t want to be judged or seem like we love our children any less than we do.
For me, it happens around 8-9 months where I start to get a little stir crazy.
Before you say anything, or think anything.. I love my children.
I pushed my son on a bike on a warm sunny day and had so much love in my heart it could burst. I imagined him one day riding that bike on his own. All the things he will one day acomplish, and I was proud. I was proud of him and proud of me for making him, growing him and above all, loving him.
But sometimes, and some days…I hate parenting. I hate getting up early and dealing with tantrums over breakfast. I hate planning nutritious meals that are never eaten. I hate cleaning a house that is never tidy. I hate worrying about how I correct bad behaviour. I hate worrying about not nurturing them every minute because I don’t want them to grow up “fucked up”. I hate the boredom, and no one to talk to. I hate feeling too overwhelmed to wrangle two children to leave the house to cure that boredom.
I hate feeling undervalued because I’m “just” a stay at home mum, and my husband makes the money. I hate feeling guilty spending it because I feel like it’s not “our money” even though he’s never made me feel that way.
I hate not feeling important or valued the way I did with going to work or making an income, but I also hate the thought of someone else looking after my kids and the guilt associated with that. I hate the exhaustion that comes with all of that.
But what I hate the most? Is the guilt that comes with saying or thinking any of those things. And I hate the judgement that comes with it. And I hate the fact that when I view myself in this light, I think of myself as a bad mother for thinking and feeling these things.
You see, mothers… the perfect mother, she happily does all these things and she doesn’t want for more, because she’s got it all. She happily makes breakfast, she knows the perfect way to promote good behaviour. She cooks and cleans. Her children eat all their meals and follow bedtime. Her home life is her life… she is a natural mother.
But it’s just not a reality for some of us.
So we regret ever giving birth because this whole big ball has manifested itself in our chest and the mix of all these conflicting emotions have depressed us.
But it’s really not US that feels this way… it’s the ball that’s MADE US FEEL this way
The ball makes us eat spoonfuls of Nutella in the cupboard even if we don’t feel like it.
The ball makes us drink wine for no reason. (Oh god the ball doesn’t do that, and there’s always a reason… let’s face it) mmmmm wine…. *ahem*
The ball makes us cry and withdraw
It’s the ball of emotions that makes us feel like we are bad mothers.
Its all those pent up emotions we don’t feel we believe we have the right to get out and it’s the guilt that stops us from getting it out.
You are smart, you know it’s okay to go to the doctor and get help. Get a referral to a psychologist, go on medication… don’t tell anyone if you don’t want to… you know all that.
You might have postnatal depression, you might not. But what you need to understand is that there is nothing wrong with you. And there is 100% nothing wrong with feeling this way.
The title of this blog misled you, there is literally no so thing as a bad mother. You are not what you hear in the media of actual horrible people doing horrible things to children. You’re just coming from a place of exhaustion and massive massive change. One that nothing can prepare you for.
Would you change it for anything? Probably not… and if you wouldn’t.. you have to learn to live gentle with yourself to work with it.
Go out. Get out of your little cube. Socialise. Meet friends with kids and without kids. Meet friends who you don’t care if you look like a slob around and if you’re going to have a mental breakdown around. They’ll love and support you. Stay close with those friends. Don’t blow them off anymore, and be truthful when you are feeling at your lowest, a good friend will cheer you up. Socialising will change your whole outlook, I promise…- and I’m the biggest hermit there is.
Use babysitters, use your in-laws, your sisters, your brothers, your husband, your partner… have alone time or time with friends. Join a gym! Zumba is so much fun! Boxing helps you smash the negative of the day away…
If you hate gyms, watch YouTube clips…
Everyone tells you to go get a village, but how? And if you’re like me and generally hate most people it’s even more tough. Join a playgroup, and if you don’t click with anyone, move on to the next group! I go to something all the time and have made a few good friends from it. I didn’t love everyone I met, and they all didn’t love me, but I’ve stuck like glue to the ones I have.
Don’t worry about a tidy house… just do the minimal so that you can live. We have the rest of our lives to be on top of everything. Sparkling windows are not necessary. If you can afford it, hire a cleaner!
Find a friend desperate for date night and take turns once a month to watch each other’s kids so you both can have much needed date nights. Connecting with your partner again will make you feel so human. Sure they can be dickheads, but we had kids with them for a reason.
Go to work if you want to. Shove that guilt in the bin. Some mums feel amazing after going back to work… even if it’s 1-2 days a week.
It’s okay to be a bad mum. If valuing yourself and acknowledging that some days being a parent is downright shitty, then fuck, I’m the worst mother in the world… and I’m proud.
Be a bad mum!!!! And by bad mum I mean an amazing mum who feels no guilt anymore and knows she is a Goddess whose self worth is EVERYTHING.
Who let’s her child throw popcorn around like confetti so she can get two minutes peace to drink a coffee…
He will just eat it up later 😁