I understand why my mum ran left.I grew up in an rough household. My dad had a rough childhood and unfortunately my siblings and I copped the brunt of it, especially my mother.
She was only 16 when she married my father. She had a strict up bringing and I guess marriage was her escape. Four kids later and they had been together for 25 years. When I was 16 she left. She moved to a different country and started a life there.
The calls became less and less, the visits infrequent, eventually we hardly heard from her.
I was so mad at her. So mad. I held it all in until I had children. Then everything came out. All of the emotions. I resented her. I thought how could you feel all this love for a tiny human being and just leave them? Spend years getting to know their existence and then just pack up and leave?And then one day. I sat alone on my bed during nap time, and I stared out the window. The sun was bright, no clouds, a beautiful day. Another beautiful day I couldn’t experience because nap times didn’t coincide and the fear of too many predators lurking or cars rushing by too fast to get out and enjoy this day. My childhood left me with anxiety and depression. The same anxiety and depression my mother had gifted to me, that her mother had gifted to her.
“I wish I could run away” I thought as I stared out the window. My eyes filling with tears.
I wish I could go live in a city where no one knows me and start fresh. Where I could be free as a bird and be surrounded by the beauty of outside instead of laundry piling up all around me.
I feel like Ariel trapped under the sea. I now understand that’s how my mother felt.
I understand why she ran away. I no longer feel that angry anymore.
And the fact that I understand why she did means I won’t.
I won’t because I know how much it hurt me to not have my mum, and I know that my children need me.
I also know that I need me.
I also need my children. I love them and couldn’t imagine a second away from them
I understand that my mother lost her identity, and that’s what she was looking for. She didn’t know how to find it so she thought by creating a new one that would fulfil the void she was missing, but she won’t.
I think as mothers we sometimes forget ourselves and forget that we are allowed to want and we most definitely NEED to enjoy beautiful days and beautiful weather. Sometimes we miss the smallest of things that it could drive us to run away, which isn’t what we really want. We just want a little freedom now and then, and we should always remember we deserve it.