I rocked you 

I rocked you tonight.
Something I haven’t had to do since you were tiny. 
You fell into my life and you automatically knew what would break me, so you never peeped. You just closed your eyes when you were tired and drifted off.
But tonight I rocked you. 
I didn’t count the polkadots in your room. Or sing a song in my head like I’ve had to do with your brother, to pass time and get distracted so I wouldn’t feel disappointed or angry that I was making a rod in my back.
Instead I stared at you, and I swayed back and fourth and rocked you.
I wonder if you had come first, would I have ever felt depression or anxiety. Would I have been a mother that found it all so easy with such a textbook and simple child. 
Sometimes I think the universe gave me to you second because they knew I needed an easy time this time. I nearly broke for good the first time. You made me stronger this time… 
I could have left you to fall asleep tonight, sit by your cot if I needed to. But instead I rocked you. 
These last few days have been so tough for me. I broke up with my medication, and now I’m feeling the withdrawals. The moments are coming more and more often where I feel that this motherhood gig is tough.
Everything you do has been ten fold, and it’s been tough on me. I can’t sit still. 
I’ve been so worried about being perfect and strong and brave. Been so worried about making sure I love every second. And being so mad when I don’t. Letting each day pass so quickly. Hoping each day will pass so quickly… letting it all go by so fast. 
When did you get so heavy? 
Staring at your eyes while they go into a sleepy gaze while your night light glows on both of us. 
When did you grow so fast? 
You’re going to be one next month. A whole one year. I still remember when you would fall asleep on my chest. A part of me loved it but a part of me wanted so desperately to be independent of you, and for you to be independent of me. For you to never need to be rocked… 
but instead I rocked you. 
I rocked you and I cried. I cried hard.
It’s been so tough but you’ve loved me unconditionally. Even though you’re not sure why you love me. And even though you probably don’t know what love is. I feel it. 
I don’t need to count the polkadots in your room, because they remind me of all the years you’re going to grow up and you won’t need me anymore. 
So instead, I’ll rock you, and stare at your little head… and hope that you’ll know that I love you unconditionally, little girl, and hope that you feel it too. 
I love you little girl, so I know that no matter what, that means we are doing just fine.

One Comment

  1. Jlynn

    Omg you just ripped my heart out of my chest, I could relate to Every Single Word here. My second child is my Gem and I too think God sent her because without her I would of saw motherhood differently. I think God made me stumble onto this blog tonight, I’m crying my eyes out, when you feel this deep, you hurt deeper.

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