I dreamed of you, you know.
I dreamed I had two positive lines on a stick. The dream felt real. I wasn’t prepared for that. I certainly wasn’t planning it. But my heart was excited.
I took the test. My dreams came true, and there you were. A little bubble inside me across the scan, and then I heard your heart beating. A thousand horses galloping. It’s how my heart felt too.
Anxiety crept up. How would I do this? How can I do this? I don’t think I can do this…
But I breathed, and as I breathed, you grew.
I clutched at my stomach, and I wondered about you. Wondered who you were this time? Were you a little boy, all sweaty and sweet? Or were you a little girl? Sweet…and…what are girls like? What would you look like? Who would you be?
You kicked so much. My whole body moved. I loved the feeling. Feeling you grow inside me. Wondering if that was an arm sticking out. Or your foot on my bladder… I didn’t mind that in the last few weeks you moved so strongly that you stopped me in my tracks a few time… a nice old lady even asked me if I was in labour one time. I had to convince her it was just you, being you.
With all that movement….WOULD YOU SLEEP? I often wondered. But something told me that you would. Something told me that you were here to save me. That you were here to make it easy for me. That in a stressed out world, you would be a great sense of calm.
And you were. You made birth so easy. You saved me from the bad experiences I had. You saved me from any trauma I ever felt with my body. You made me feel as if my body was meant to do what it did, and even though I had done this before. I felt like it was a completely different experience. I felt strong.
You came out so warm and soft. Your cry was the loudest high pitch sound I’d ever heard, and even though I thought it was so cute at first, it started to make me cry by the second day.
I got impatient again, I got angry, I got scared. I went up and down those rollercoaster of emotions. But you were patient, you waited. You believed that I could do this. I could tell because even when tears were rolling down my cheeks, from fear of feeling so inadequate, you smiled at me.
You smiled with your red lips, bright eyes and rosy cheeks. You smiled and you coo’ed. You found your way with our family. You slowly let your little personality shine through. You completed us.
Your laugh! Oh your laugh kills me. You laugh like you can’t control the emotions that come out – something is wholeheartedly funny and you can’t help but let it burst out. Don’t lose that kid. I hope you don’t lose it. I hope the world never takes it away.
The world can take away your attitude though. Gee seems as you get bigger you’ve got more of that. Protests and grunts. Throwing things on the floor. You’re so little?? Where do you get it from? I suppose its Karma. You are my child at the end of the day.
Wow… one year old. How it flew. I feel like we had so many adventures and did so many things. So many things together…
So many sleepless nights, so many worries, so many trips to emergency, so many scrunched up faces to bad food, so many cries, so many cuddles, so many tears – from both of us. So many teeth!! (onwy two…)
So many first’s.
So many memories. All in a blink of an eye… moments turned into memories.
I’m sad. I’m sad it went so quick.
But I’m happy, I’m excited. I can’t wait for you to take your first steps, have your first day of school, graduate, tell me you’re sleeping over your friend’s house and then get drunk and smooch randoms – it’s okay, I’ll be prepared for it.
You saved me a year ago. You really did. Thank you.
I promise I’ll be here, from one to ONE hundred. I’ll be here. Every day. To save you over and over. To be your safe place. I’ll be here. I promise.
I love you my little one year old.
and I know I loved you before I met you, my little child, after all, I dreamed of you, you know.
Happy Birthday Sofia (or as your bro calls you, Fia). Your mummy, daddy and brother love you more than you’ll ever know.