After being depressed for so long, and finally admitting it, (more like exploding it out of my mouth), I found myself wondering why I couldn’t be happy.
My friend asked me “why are you unhappy? you have two beautiful kids, and a loving husband”. I do. I should be thankful for it all.
I couldn’t answer her. I didn’t have a response to why… Why aren’t I happy?
It’s now winter, is it the cold? The dark grey sky and unwelcoming black clouds casting a dark shadow on my mind. The cold chilling rain and icy winds which means no outside and no hot summer nights. (I didn’t do them when they were hot anyway. Pyjama life for life.)
Sometimes you’re so lost in the rain, you forget to see the sunshine again. Sometimes you’re so caught up in the negative that you forget to see the positive. You forget to love yourself and be happy. It can be so hard to remember the happiness and enjoy, but nothing is won without a struggle, so I set a goal for myself to just enjoy and be in the moment.
I watched my son play, and watched as his eyes met mine and he smiled and showed me his toys. I watched my daughters beautiful face, and her half smile as she studied my face, probably wondering, why the fuck is this lady so close to me? … No I’m sure she was just in awe of my beauty. (My glistening moustache). But the point is, I enjoyed! I ate some chocolate, I didn’t feel guilty, I just ate it and was in the moment. I know it sounds silly, but I do everything mindlessly, and that’s why I’m so unhappy. When you are so depressed you can’t see what’s in front of you, and you don’t enjoy. You forget to be happy. You rinse and repeat your day. And rinse and repeat is boring and misreble.
Happiness is so dependent. Well for me anyway. My happiness depends on whether I lose weight, my skin glows, my hair line stops receding from hair loss. Happiness depends on me getting money (hubby has been made redundant), on having the perfectly decorated house, on finding the best threads for my children. Where did I forget to just enjoy? When did I think that unless I had these things, that I would be happy? So while I’m waiting for all these things, I’m delaying my happiness. I’m telling myself that happiness is in my future and not my present. And wondering why I’m so unhappy.
Happiness for me, will only come once I accept what I have in front of me; two beautiful children and a loving husband. Children who want to play and laugh. Amazing friends who ask me if I’m happy or not. Sisters that are like best friends.
Happiness will only come when I am willing to accept what I have, when I have it. Not worrying about my blog in comparison to others, not judging other people. Not criticising or controlling. No resisting the present for the future happiness I might have. It will come when I enjoy and live in the moment. And it did, and it was wonderful.
Sometimes you live so far in the dark that you don’t know what light is. You can’t see and enjoy. Happiness could be right in front of you, in the form of two big brown eyes and a cheeky smile.
The sad feelings, the negative feelings, they’re real, but they’re not you. They are your depression, your anxiety, but they are not who you are. When you’re in the middle of winter, and all you see is the dark clouds, grey skies and rain, take a look around, breathe it in and let it hit your face. Feel every drop. You deserve to enjoy, you are not alone, and believe me there are people around you who are ready with a towel to dry you off once you’ve finished dancing. ?