If my children could write a blog, it would be titled “my mummy is sometimes a sad mummy”
Some days I feel useless, sad, overwhelmed, burned out, bored… Guilty.
The sun starts to shine and I’m reminded at how isolating it can be to be a stay at home mum.
But a little voice says to me “don’t quit”.
In the form of big brown eyes and chubby little fingers.
Sometimes the weight of the world is on your shoulders, you’ve changed the sheets, did the washing, stayed up past your bedtime folding laundry. No one seems to notice and sometimes you go unnoticed.
I know sometimes it gets too much so you hold yourself and cry hard. You put your sunglasses over your eyes while the tears roll down your face while you’re pushing the pram and holding those chubby little fingers walking through the park. You sit in your car and slump forward in defeat. You stare up at the ceiling in the middle of the night because it all gets so much and you just want to give up. You scream inside yourself (or out loud) I can’t do this, it’s not living.
I know this feeling. It’s hard
I remember laying on the floor with my head in my hands crying the hardest I could while both kids were crying. Thinking, I can’t do this! I can’t be a mother. Nothing will be perfect, the house won’t ever look clean, the kids won’t ever eat properly… The laundry will never be done, but those big brown eyes look at me and they say, “don’t quit”
None of it matters, the laundry, wasted vegetables. None of it. But you matter.
You. Matter. More than you’ll ever know.
You matter. Your existence, your life, the life you created, the self that you are. The self that you give. Your wants, your needs, your thoughts, your voice.
Days like this, they will be there. They will be hard. Illnesses, crying, tantrums. They’ll be there. Days, weeks, months, there will be ones that are the hardest.
But you can do this. Don’t quit. You are not defeated.
You are stronger than you know.
Get up. Face that day. Ignore those words in your head that tell you, you can’t, that you’re not good enough. Tell te guilt to leave. Look into those big brown eyes and know they’re worth it, even when they drive you crazy. Those big brown eyes that need you, love you, and don’t want you to quit. Who know you can do this and that’s why they know they can keep asking.
Don’t quit. Quitting means stopping and quitting means failure. You are not a failure. You are a queen.
This, your life. This is real.
Motherhood isn’t a movie. It’s not images of smiling babies and playful toddlers eating carrots with a white lighted background. It’s not perfection. Whilst that looks amazing, it’s not what motherhood is. Motherhood is perfect and imperfect.
Moments of trying.
It’s the journey of discovering yourself, what your limits are, where your patience stops, where you find that the child in you never left.
That journey matters.
the woman who gives herself tirelessly. She matters.
Don’t worry about those bad days, where everything goes wrong. Nothing feels right. We all live them. But we live more of the days where we do things right.
You are the amazing mother who lays on the floor next to their child until they fall asleep. When you hold your baby in your arms all night. Cleaning up vomit and poo and checking temperatures. Feeding your family when there’s nothing in the fridge. Giving away the last piece of cake so someone else can have it. Missing out so your child can have one better. Reading the same story over and over. Playing make believe for hours. Laughing at their wonder and innocence to the world. Admiring their artwork.
Watching them sleep.
You can’t quit that. You might feel like it’s all to much, that it’s not living, but you can this. You are capable of so much. Don’t worry about the movie mother. She’s not real. You and I, we are real. It took a bunch of writers to think her up, and it takes moments to make us the mother we are, and that makes us the perfect mother for our children
Some days you can be the sad mummy. You will fee tired, worthless, bored, burned out then guilty…
But don’t quit, because you got this.
Those big eyes are watching you in awe for a reason.