My little girl started to get cranky. It was nap time. I usually dread this because I hate putting babies to sleep. It takes a long time and it makes me nervous. Rocking and patting, makes me anxious.
I don’t know what came over me today, but I held her against my body and I squeezed tight. I smelt her little head, and her little ears (with a faint smell of cheese), can’t remember when I bathed her last. I held her so tight in my arms. The feeling of holding her tight made me feel like crying. I walked up and down the hallway, hoping with every step to create the rocking motion. I don’t care how long this takes. An unfamiliar thought to me. I closed my eyes and walked up and down the hallway and began to think about life.
I have struggled. Lord knows I have struggled because I have written about it in nearly every blog. I have struggled much like others but I don’t want to struggle anymore. I have forgotten so many times to enjoy these moments. To take it all in. At this moment, that is all I wanted to do, I wanted to hug my little girl. I hugged her and I cried.
I cried because I wished so badly that I had done this with my son, after battling months and months of post natal depression, I didn’t know how to enjoy or love him. I was so caught up in trying to be the perfect mother, in dealing with my own childhood, of being sexually abused, of trying to please others, of trying to do things right, of trying to get him to sleep, of trying and trying and trying… “I’m Sorry Luca”, I whispered to my daughter. I felt so guilty that I never did this with you. Tears falling down my face (and now as I type). I am sorry.
I am sorry I didn’t know that I deserved more and should have gotten help, and I am sorry that I forgot to enjoy you because I didn’t know how. I am sorry the depression held me in limbo. I am sorry I missed out on those perfect few months, feeling that love in my heart. It hurts me.
I am sorry that I forget to enjoy some days. But I don’t want to feel guilt anymore.
I know today is a new day, and that I can hug you anytime I want, and I will, I will hug you tight and let you rest your head on my shoulder like your little sister is.
I want you to know, my children, that I am your safe place. That when the world is hard and heavy, that I will be the arms that will rock you to sleep. I have not always been the strongest but I know every day I try. I am tired of feeling the guilt, the hurt, the sadness. Tired of being judged for having an illness. I want you to know your mother is a fighter, she is fighting it for you and for herself. I want you to see that I know I deserve happiness and love, so you learn that you deserve the same. Always.
I won’t be perfect every day. But being imperfect is wonderful. I want to cry all the tears out of self-doubt, of anxiety and I want to enjoy you. I want to smile and not feel guilty. I want to feel the joy that we all deserve.
After everything I’ve been through, I deserve it and so do you.
The two best cures for post natal depression, read a Constance Hall blog, and click on this link. I tell you, it’ll change your life xx