When I met my husband, I knew he was the one. There was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to start a family with him. We moved in after 6 months and were inseparable.
As our relationship progressed, super quickly I might add, we discussed the possibility of children. The prospect of a child with him excited me. I’ve always been fiercely independent and never thought I would want a child with anyone, but something about him made me feel like it was time. I was thrilled at the prospect of him being a daddy.
We decided we would have a baby and then Elope. This became my dream… Every month that I wasn’t pregnant, I cried. Where was my baby? Why couldn’t I get pregnant? Why is this hard? Every month I got my period, I felt like my dream was crushed. One Tuesday was different, having known my schedule to the minute, I knew I was late, and I knew I was pregnant. I was so excited when the test came up positive, that I ended up sending him an email to announce it. He thought I was joking.
9 months later and beautiful Luca was born, and that experience was not what I thought I’d be. (You can read about it here Love hurts). I was mad at myself because I wished every month to be pregnant, and now it was here it wasn’t what I expected. Where was this organic mother I was suppose to be?
After 7 months, we eventually went back to our old sex life. Actually I’ll call it our new sex life, because everything felt extremely fragile and it became more rare as there was a lot of fear surrounding it. I was reckless with the pill one month, as I transitioned from the mini pill to a stronger contraceptive. After a week of dreaming I was pregnant, I began to wonder when my last period was.
After some quick calculations in my head, I realised I was late.
Two positive tests, clear as day.
My parents used to always joke with us, that we were accidents. It bothered me a lot because I used to think an accident meant it was a mistake. That I was unwanted.
Initially it was hard to be excited. I was excited, don’t get me wrong, but I was also very nervous and anxious at the possibility of having two children under two. After the long road of postnatal depression, how could I possibly have another one so soon? I knew I’d be judged as well. Everyone knew I was struggling. I just imagined the whispers ‘Why would you have another if you can’t look after your first.’
I announced it straight away, didn’t wait for the 12 week crap, just figured if it was meant to be it was meant to be, and I didn’t want anyone talking behind my back about it.
When my belly started to swell, (and boy did it swell. My Muscles barely came back together from my first child. ) I would tell people I was pregnant and would say in a sarcastic tone, “yeah I meant to have them close” ha ha ha…. as if to save myself from the judgement. Like if I made a joke about it first, no one could say anything.
I’d get the rude comments as well even when I didn’t say anything, “Oh obviously wasn’t planned then” “Wow, that was obviously an accident” “Oops what a big mistake” “Well that’s what happens when you have sex” (Like humans ONLY have sex for procreation right…?) “Oh you’re going to have your work cut out for you”.
No shit. I know that. Don’t you think I am already shitting myself?
Yes, it was an accident. My little Sofia was an accident. I didn’t plan her. She was unplanned, but she was by no means a mistake.
Eventually after receiving comments about the level of difficulty I was about to face, I would just openly tell people, “No, it wasn’t planned”. Because it wasn’t. Luca was planned, and every month he wasn’t in my stomach, I was angry. This time, I was sneezed on and I became pregnant. There was no time to plan or think. I was going to wait till he was 2 before I considered doing it again.
I remember one time I said “Yeah it was unplanned”, and was shot with such a negative look. “Well make sure you don’t tell the baby that…” “What a horrible thing to say”
not planned.“an unplanned pregnancy”
by chance; inadvertently.“his gun went off accidentally”
A mistake implies it was something wrong. It wasn’t wrong. It was unexpected, but she was coming and I was going to welcome her with open arms. She wasn’t planned but she wasn’t a mistake, and people need to know the difference. If I ever have a conversation with Sofia about it, I will be honest, but I am going to explain the difference to her. Once I realised she was in my stomach, and saw her little legs kicking around, I felt a crazy surge of love, there was no mistaking it.
It was an accident that I got pregnant. My husband’s gun went off accidentally and fired into my ovaries. It was by chance I received my little Angel and I am truly grateful for that. She changed everything for me and even helped me to get over my fear of birth.
So yes, I certainly didn’t mean to have 2 in 2 years, but I am happy I did.
Now let’s hope I am not bloody pregnant again.