A journey from loss to hope…. This is written by Olivia and her words are all her own from her own experience.
Having children is no doubt one of the biggest blessings in life. But for so many women, becoming pregnant and being pregnant can be a time of great stress and uncertainty.
On the 25th of August 2012, I gave birth to my first child Valentina. I fell pregnant almost immediately and absolutely loved being pregnant.
A few years went by and it was time to think about having another child. Knowing how easily I fell pregnant with Valentina, I just assumed that it would happen the same way again. Well little did I know that one of the hardest journeys I have ever been on in my life was just ahead of me!
After trying for a few months, I fell pregnant in January 2015. I was so happy and excited about having another child and giving Valentina a little brother or sister. In my mind I started planning everything for the months ahead. We told our immediate family and they too were overjoyed with happiness to have a new little baby in the family!
One week into my pregnancy, I woke up in the middle of the night and my body felt strange. I felt like I had just gotten my period, but how could that be, I was pregnant!
I ran to the bathroom, and I was right, I had just miscarried. I was in complete shock. How could this have happened? Why did it happen? I immediately woke up my husband Adrian and told him what just happened. He didn’t quite know what to say or do, as he too was in shock! I couldn’t sleep for the rest of the night so I got up and started researching about miscarriages. I read that 20% of pregnancies will end in a miscarriage and that only 2 percent of pregnant women experience two pregnancy losses in a row. Despite my pain and disappointment, knowing the fact that miscarriages can be so common eventually led me to a place of acceptance. The pain was still there, but I felt that I had to make peace with it.
Having been on a spiritual journey over the past 12 years, I knew the importance of divine timing and trusted that everything happens for a reason. I also knew that on a spiritual level, a miscarriage is the soul of the child telling us, “It is not the right time.”
In the months ahead I made sure that I continued to look after myself, and a few months after the miscarriage I fell pregnant again. A huge part of me was very excited, but another part of me was very anxious! Every time I had to go to the bathroom to urinate, an overwhelming sense of anxiety came over me. Would I be bleeding??
As the weeks went on, the symptoms of pregnancy, such as the nausea and tiredness, started to kick in. As each week went by, I knew that the chances of miscarriage were decreasing, so my anxiety started to ease. My 11-week appointment with my obstetrician was approaching, and I started to become really excited about seeing my little baby on her ultrasound machine.
The day had arrived and it was time to head into the city for our appointment. We were all extremely excited. As I walked into the Freemasons Hospital, I started getting flash backs as the last time I was there I gave birth to my daughter Valentina. I started feeling all warm and fuzzy and just couldn’t wait to see my doctor again and catch up on the last few years of life with Valentina.
I walked into the doctor’s office and we chatted for a good twenty minutes before she got me onto her table to take my blood pressure and an ultrasound of the baby. As she switched on the ultrasound machine, Adrian got his phone out ready to take video of the baby. She rubbed gel on my belly and all of a sudden, I saw my baby on the screen! Tears of joy streamed down my face, there was my little baby!!
There was a real uneasiness coming from my obstetrician. She kept on moving the ultrasound round and round my belly and I asked if everything was ok. She said that she was struggling to find a heartbeat. I didn’t understand what she was saying! There was my baby on the screen, I was seeing it with my own eyes! She then went on to say that I needed to immediately go for a proper ultrasound within the hospital, and that I may have miscarried again as she struggled to find a heart beat! As I looked over to Adrian my heart sunk. Tears streamed down my face. Was I in a big bad dream?? Was this really all happening!!
I had a second ultrasound, which confirmed that the baby had no heartbeat. Once again I had another miscarriage! I cried and cried and didn’t stop. My heart ached with so much sadness. I was scheduled straight away for surgery to have a curette. I remember waking up from surgery with such emptiness within me. It took me weeks to recover from the grief of what had just happened.
A few months passed and we decided to start trying again. To be able to move forward, I had to put what had happened over the last 6 months completely behind me. Yet little did I know that I had another tough journey ahead of me!! As months were passing by, I was struggling to fall pregnant. I had friends and family all around me announcing their pregnancies and I couldn’t help but think that life was just unfair. Why wasn’t my body conceiving a baby?? Was there something physically wrong that I didn’t know about?? What if I could never have another child???!!! As all these thoughts crept into my mind, I started becoming more and more depressed. Pregnancy and having another child now felt like the biggest challenge ever!!!
8 months had passed and still no baby. I felt absolutely powerless! I felt like I had no control over this. I felt like a failure and that my body was failing me!
The year was finally coming to a close, and as New Years Eve approached, I was reflecting on how hard my year was. Still no baby and no pregnancy! And that was when the light bulb moment happened! STILL NO BABY AND NO PREGNANCY!!!!!!!!!!!! That is where my complete focus was!!! I was putting ALL of my happiness on whether or not I was pregnant! How could I fall pregnant when ALL of my attention was on the fact that there was still no baby! I had to change my thinking. I had to change what I was putting my focus on! I had to “Let go, and let God”, in other words, completely detach and surrender this to the Universe! It was New Years Eve and it was at that point that I made a big decision that THINGS WERE GOING TO CHANGE!
I had to be happy NOW! Happy with my current life and grateful for everything that I currently had. I went ahead and booked two family holidays for the year and I changed my focus from “not being pregnant” to ”getting excited about one day holding my baby”. I did some visualizing each day. I would visualize seeing myself pregnant and as I visualized, good feeling thoughts would come. It’s a funny thing what happens when you finally let go, you actually make room for the Universe to intervene and do its thing! And as it happened, within 2 months I fell pregnant!!
Now the next 9 months weren’t easy. Yes I was pregnant, but what if I had yet another miscarriage? I suffered from a lot of anxiety along the way, especially in the lead up to any doctor’s appointments. Being a Reiki Master, I was able to give myself healing every day to help combat the anxiety and to send positive loving energy to my growing baby.
On the 19th October 2016, my baby girl Allegra was born. I held her in my arms for hours and didn’t let her go. I felt two years of stress, anxiety, heartache and pain slowly dissolve. Why did this all have to be so hard?? Why did I have to go through this painful journey???
At the time it made no sense to me. But now it does.
As with all things in life, the joys, the tragedies, the new beginnings, they all serve a purpose and essentially all appear in our lives to teach us things.
My experience taught me that there is a greater power out there, and that that power is completely beyond what we are consciously aware of. It also taught me that when there are situations that we seem to have no control over, we must learn to completely surrender and allow the power of the Universe to intervene and help us.
My own pain and grief opened up my heart to a greater level of understanding and compassion when working with my clients. You can’t understand or comprehend the degree of pain or grief someone is going through unless you have experienced that pain or grief yourself. As a spiritual healer, I have been able to help women heal from their loss and overcome the grief of miscarriage on a very deep level as a direct result of my own pain.
I have also learnt the value of unconditional happiness. Most of us feel that there is always something that we need to be, have, or do in order to become happy, however, true happiness can never be reached with that level of understanding. We live our entire lives believing that happiness comes from achievement or when all the right things happen to us. In reality, we are just creating rules for ourselves, rules dictating when we can and can’t be happy.
For so long my happiness was determined by whether or not I was pregnant. There was so much in my life to be happy about, but because my energy was completely focused on my miscarriages and not falling pregnant, I was getting in the way of the Universe really helping me!
I look back on my journey now and I am thankful for all that I have been through because it taught me so much and strengthened my spirit. I also wouldn’t be helping to heal the hundreds of women that I’ve helped over the last year if I hadn’t had gone through this experience.
If you are going through your own pregnancy struggles, my heartfelt message to you is to not give up hope!! Know that there is a greater reason for everything that you are going through, whether you can see it now or whether it will be presented to you sometime in the future. And remember to “let go and let God” – surrender and hand it all over to the Universe, a force so powerful and grand where miracles really do take place! It takes a lot of faith and courage to do but it is the only way to step away from self-inflicted pain and suffering.
Reiki Master/Spiritual Healer