3 hours of fun with my toddler 

Today I took Luca to the doctors. He has been coughing for about a month. He’s been in good spirits but a month is a long time for a cough. I know I’ll be greeted as a hypochondriac but better safe than sorry. 

My husband suggested for us to go  to the doctors and then spend some time together as mother and son bonding because we don’t really get alone time.


 I had plans to get babycinos, run around stores, look at toys and have a blast. 

I think I forgot how toddlers work. 

After the doctors we went into big w. I wanted to look at one thing. One thing. But we were in there for an hour with me occasionally saying “come on” and trying to coax him 2 meters at a time towards my goal object, I was even happy to buy him whatever toy he wanted and kept saying, “yes! You can have this!” But he just wanted to touch each one. Each. Single. Toy. Thank you for placing toys strategicly Big W. 👌🏼

 You see, I thought he could walk around as he likes to walk, and I thought, ahh prams are for babies not for toddlers…

Rookie mistake. 

I thought I would try to walk a little bit ahead to encourage him to walk, but anxiety struck and I imagined people trying to kidnap him and I also experienced scolding looks from other shoppers from my coughing son. To them I’m walking off on my sick son like it’s nobody’s business. 

Looking like the mother of the year right here. 

i’ll touch this one, and this one


After him taking two steps, then requesting to be picked up, then put down again, and then up, and then down… We eventually got out of there. 

Time to go to the chemist to get his medication. Turns out he has conjunctivitis too, so I’m waking around with a coughing and weepy eye toddler who is one “come on, this way” from a tantrum. Who goes out with their child when they’re like this? Me. I do.

I put him down to pay at the chemist and he starts grabbing quickeze and butter menthols, also strategically placed… Thanks again.

 “Cockies! Cockies”… 

“No these aren’t  cockies these are for adults… As is all cockies”…

 Smile at the lady behind me with my dirty funny joke. She doesn’t smile  back. He meant lollies lady. I’m not a creep. 

Time for aldi.. I know. Should of quit at the chemist. He’s been pretty good so I let him walk, with a little bit of coaxing again, we are strolling through the aisles of aldi. I want a smores kit and wipes. Luca wants to pull down glass jars of tomato sauce while I scan which wipes to get. He is literally next to me, and I can see him, from the corner of my eye, it’s all in slow motion, All I hear is smash and Luca say.. Oh ow. 

Oh ow indeed buddy. 

Listen, for me, it’s a big deal to get out and enjoy, so I’m learning, okay? I want the kid to have freedom but I’m also aware I now look like an irresponsible parent with a wild child, which is far from the truth, or is it? 

After apologising to aldi staff and offering to clean/pay for/give my son for sacrifice  for the death of the tomato sauce, we go to the register. 

A lovely lady stands behind me and smiled at Luca. She tells me how he looks like me. I see this as an opportunity to overshare and tell her how I don’t get out much and I was depressed and bla bla, she looks at Luca’s weepy eye and says “oh.” Pretty sure she’s called child services. Okay earlier I lied about getting to the register, I bribed Luca with a squeeze pouch, which he had to have before we got to the register, and as I took it from him I squirted a bit on the lady’s leg. She didn’t mind, she even asked me if I needed a hand. She could see I was a dishevelled woman, hence why I’ve called her a lovely lady. Thank you for strategically placing her, Aldi. 👌🏼

I spot an Aldi trolley, and think, ‘oh my, why did I not think to put him in there before?’ I grab one and battle to put him in the seat. He thinks it’s a game and starts popping open my cardigan by kicking my top/chest while laughing. I put him down into the trolley and he grabs on to my top and pulls it down, showing the world my big round brown nips. 

Thanks son. 

This is why I don’t go out people. 

Nonetheless, after scanning the area in embarrassment and only receiving a creepy smile from one old looking pervert, we carry on. (Or am o the pervert?). We then turn trolley time into a game like those car merry go rounds, afterall it did cost $2.00. 


Anyway, as I forgot half the shit I came there for, I went back to big w and the chemist again. Made a friend with another sick parent and we bonded over croup talk. I also nearly ran over a toddler whose mother apologised and then I said “well that’s why I caged him in here”. We laughed and strolled on.  Felt good after that. Seems everyone’s living their toddler mess today.

Time to leave. Fuck the babycinos. 

My big brown nips have started to leak and I’m not wearing breast pads. 

For some reason I decided to reverse park into a spot. No pram, no worries right? 

Well now that I’ve got my big trolley I have to leave it in front of the car. I start taking stuff out and Luca decides to stand up, 

I have to mention, after two kids in two years, my butthole isn’t what it used to be, and I have some tearing up there (told you I overshare), so it was itchy as fuck. I hid behind my door looking at Luca while I attempt to scratch my ass. 

“Where’s your mum little boy?” Asks an equisitive older lady. 

“Right here . Sorry I didn’t bring a pram …” and bla bla bla overshare. Explain the whole story to her (minus wanting to scratch my ass).  And she says “well, he is adorable” I said “isn’t he?” And smiled at him. He opens up my purse and starts throwing my cards around. She makes some small talk to me while I’m smiling politely thinking ‘okay shut up please I need to get into my car and scratch my ass  and pick up these cards’ 

She tells me she needs a trolley and I give her mine, she offers me 2 dollars and I basically bolted away from her, and told her to keep her money. 

You’ve saved me from re-entering, I should pay you. 

Drive off home and get to the front door and breathe a sigh of relief. Home. Safe place. Whew.

Hubby smiles at me, “how was it?”

“Great… We had a good day”.

“Oh good,” he says, “maybe you should take Sofia to the doctors too”
😐🔫

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  1. You’re hilarious, that day SUCKS, and I hope you managed to scratch your ass!! Screw what other people think!! But i totally understand the safety of your own home. Lol. Good luck with Sofia!

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