I owe a lot to these little pills.
On a night where I’m left alone with two kids, I don’t feel doomed. I feel calm and nonchalant.
When I didn’t have these little pills, my heart would beat out of my chest. My palms would be sweaty. I would feel angry, anxious and frustrated.
When my toddler is running away from me with a full shitty nappy, in where the poo is ready to escape from the sides, it doesn’t freak me out. I laugh.
I see his playfulness instead of him being a little jerk. (Some days he is a jerk, just to be clear).
I don’t wake up hating myself (as much), and feeling as if it’s going to be another day I’ll just have to get through.
These little green pills cause embarrassment to some people. “She’s on medication…” They’ll whisper.
… The same people who will shout, “why didn’t she get help if she needed? Why didn’t she go on medication?” when things go awry.
“Do excercise, or try not to think about it”
I’ll go for that run after I figure out how to lift my head from the pillow.
It’s okay, I scoffed at them too, the tiny green pills, once upon a time. My starsign says I’m moody… It’s just me. I’m not depressed! I don’t need them… I don’t want to become a “zombie”. I don’t want the stigma. I want to be me.
But what isn’t me is standing ontop of a metaphorical bridge, hoping the wind will push me off and carry me down so it all becomes black.
I don’t visit that bridge anymore thanks to those green pills.
Some days I feel anxious, it never completely goes away. I’ll wake at 3am for no reason and imagine things that lead to doom until I can’t catch my breath. A rose still has its thorns.
The thought of never being enough is a painful throb. The thought that things will turn bad, burns. It can cause you to want to isolate yourself.
But don’t, there are so many beautiful things in the world.
The thought that life will only begin until you’re better, skinnier, happier, fuller. The thought that Life begins when life is perfect.
these pills taught me it doesn’t.
Don’t wait for the perfection. Perfection is being the only one of you. Stop waiting for it to be perfect. Life is happening now. It won’t stop for you. Don’t waste it away by wishing what could have been.
It’s okay to allow yourself to live it, to feel it. You deserve it. The perfect life is imperfect.
The greatest day of your life was the day was the day you were born. It can only up from here. Even if that means at 6:30 you take two tiny pills.
You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left. In a world of disposable things, your life doesn’t have to be disposable.
I’ve avoided bruises in my life, but what these green pills taught me, is that collecting the scars proved I showed up for it. And now, I am living.